Nothing left but to choose left or right. Trees or a beautiful open view. Hmm. Hmm. Trees? Ok, we’ll pick trees. These better be good trees. I didn’t come all the way out here and turn down a stunning view for bull shit trees. These trees better be telling me stories and singing me songs. I wonder if tree songs are about trees? Maybe tree songs are about animals. Like ‘what is that bastard doing clacking awayyyy, leave me aloooone. Stop making holes in my stuff maaaan, I’m just minding my business whyyyy you gotta be clacking away??’
That wouldn’t make for a very catchy song. The trees gotta work with the birds, the birds have all the good singers. Trees are more like dancers maybe. Maybe these trees will dance for me! Naughty trees doing a little sexy tree sway. Ok, these are legit trees. Man, for how much I like trees I sure don’t know much about them. If someone shakes me down for tree facts, I could offer… ‘some are tall? Bet the tall ones are the old ones! I hear they like to dance for the birds.’ This doesn’t feel trust worthy. I wonder if trees appreciate how cool exposed rocks with moss on them are. They don’t have eyes. The moss and or the trees. Nobody out here has eyes! Maybe the moss is like cousin buddies with the fungal networks and the moss tells the mushroom stuff to tell the trees that the ‘rocks look dope.’ The trees are like ‘word, rocks do look dope bro.’ That’s probably not actually how it goes on account of those are English words.
If these trees knew English we could get down to some real business on this walk. I could ask these trees why their branches don’t touch at the top of the canopy. How in the hell does that work. They don’t have eyes but they can tell to stop growing a reasonable distance away from their tall neighbor tree friend that they’ve lived next to for 100 years? There’s no HOA to tell them to keep their hands to themselves. Imagine if they didn’t get along. Kill me. I had to hide inside for weeks after I called the neighbors new girlfriend by his old girlfriends name. Sue me, they look the same. He’s got a type I guess. Not such easy business with the trees. Don’t like your neighbor, better hope you can convince the local timber faller that your neighbors a good specimen. Sure would be easier if they knew English.
Wait, what the hell.
That looks like a house. That is definitely a house. Shack. It’s a hut? It’s a shack. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it doesn’t feel related to the government, or even a resourceful strung out homeless person. It feels… witchy? That’s a dumb thing to say. It’s a dumb thing to think. Good thing you didn’t say it. God what are we gonna do. We can’t exactly not check out the most obviously interesting thing in this forest because it feels like we’re going to get hexed and harassed in ways that are simply unimaginable. That’s saying something, because I tell you, I can imagine some harass and hex strategies that would impress the witches! OK, deep breath. Let’s check it out.
This is close enough for now, I can run still. Unless it’s like, a literal monster. Ah. Shoot, Ok. Let’s see if we can see anything through that scary, dingey window. Why does this place look like it’s a thousand years old. What is that glass made of? I can’t see anything through here. Where did they find the rocks to build this. What is happening here, this cannot be real. If I open that door… wait, no door handle. Do I push it? I can’t go in there! But, what am I going to do, walk away? ‘Oh, how was your hike?’ ‘Good, I saw this weird old rock hut that was obviously made by witches 1000 years ago but I was like, meh, I don’t need to check it out. Instead, I watched the sun go down over the horizon and it looked the exact same as it always looks going over the horizon.’ That’s dumb, I won’t stand for that. I do not like decisions like this. I clearly have to investigate this despite the fact that I obviously should not investigate this! I hope I find Schrodinger’s cat in there, maybe he can explain what Schrodinger was going for comparing super position of electrons to an alive dead cat in a box. What a predicament. Here. We. Go... Push. Door.
<runs away>
Ack! No.
How fast can my heart beat with out me dying? Maybe I should share my location on my phone. I always resist that, which I know is a dumb hill to die on, but if I was sharing my location then people could come find me when that person sitting at the table kills me on top of this hill.
*pant* Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Ok, this is probably far enough away now. They didn’t seem to move. Nobody is chasing me. That person looked too alive to be dead, but too not moving to be alive. Maybe I’ll get lucky and this will be more like Kuungmong stumbling onto a Taoist immortal than getting hexed by Witchy McWitch face. That person did have Taoist immortal vibes. Meditating. Calm, Shirtless, Thin. Aesthetic maybe? Think, think, think… did we see anything else in there? This is an Invisible Gorilla test for sure. But, there was a table. Table seemed bare, dusty. Dusty? Why is that the word. I couldn’t possibly have seen dust. Oh no, my memory is offering an augmented data packaged as historical record. That’s dangerous. We can’t trust the platform this computational language model is operating on. Pin in that.
Person. Table. No shirt. Window. Door. Dusty. Probably Dusty.? We’re guessing dusty. We’re guessing Taoist immortal. Feels like…. go back? We’re walking. Ohhh shit, some of these actions are happening before express authorization is given. Oh boy we’re awfully closenow, we’re walking in?!
Hello?
Aw c’mon don’t make me ask a bunch of times man. You are immortal, you gotta know I’m here. What do I need, a password or something?
Password is taco
This guy has not had a taco. Or watched that show. He definitely does not appreciate that joke. I should get him a taco, that’d blow his mind. Would it? It wouldn’t. What would this guy be impressed by. Why doesn’t he move. How long have I been standing here?
Hello? Look, I feel like you can hear me. You don’t look… dead? You don’t move though. Please move.
Am I going to have to touch this dude. Why would that help, how could that possibly be the thing that unlocks this preposterous mystery. What would unlock the mystery? He could definitely use a shirt, but that doesn’t seem like it would help him. Stupid idea, what if he has a literal ON button. Hopefully it’s located in a convenient spot. Maybe I’m supposed to sit on this chair facing him. Wait, has this chair been here the whole time? Seriously though, has it? Feels like I just said I couldn’t trust this operating system and now objects are appearing, fantastic. I feel real. This is not a dream. Ouch, yea, that’s real skin. Feels real. Pain is real. This second chair is real. This not dead guy in this cabin feels real. This is going to be very hard to explain.
Ok guy. I’m here. We’re here, you and me. What. Is. Your. Deal? You just got this look on your face like you sat down here 400 years ago and you’re just like, not dead. I’m gonna touch you. OK? Gross. Dude, don’t actually touch him, please.
<touches>
Ok, is that ambient temperature? What is it like 80 degrees in here? 60? 70? Am I sweating because it’s hot? because I’m freaking out? or because every stress warning beacon in my body has been firing since I saw this stupid structure from the trail. I should have chosen the ridge. I wish for bull shit trees. I’m sorry trees! I shouldn’t have suggested that some of you are bull shit!
The trees are not bull shit! You hear me guy? THE TREES. ARE. NOT. BULL SHIT. Man, you don’t even mind yelling do you. We’re getting awfully close to a Wilson Castaway situation here.
How much should I be talking out loud. If this guy can’t hear me, why can’t I say all of this out loud. Maybe I decide to speak out loud and these thoughts aren’t exactly decisions being made. It’s like text populating a ChatGPT response, like these words are coming whether or not I decide to say them.
Have you tried ChatGPT? Have you heard of this? You can type …
Well, YOU can’t type. You can’t move. I’m getting hungry. Ok, this Taoist immortal dude is harmless. So far. Boring, yes. Is that harm? Nah, that’s like the opposite of the words-are-violence argument. Maybe not opposite. This is no words. Often, boring is a lot of words. They’re just, like, the least interesting arrangement of them.
Ok guy. Look. I’ve decided to trust you enough that I’m going to sit here and figure out your little riddle. Don’t be getting cute and activating right when I get my snackies out. Do you want snackies? Yea you do. Everyone wants snackies. Let’s see, I’ve got this apple. I got trail mix. Trail mix is my favorite. Chocolate, nuts and berries make my monkey brain go bananas. Alright, also I have this adorable little cup thing that’s part of my water bottle. You can have this. This is like 2 oz of water. Do you use ounces to measure? Probably not. You look like you were made before we gave the name ounce to whatever bull shit way we decided how to measure the ounce. Wonder when we invented the ounce. Ok, now you have a little slice of apple, a little sampler of the magical recipe of chocolate, nuts and berries and you got a little water. You be a good boy, and eat these healthy snackies then you can have some more. Ok Mr. Boring Taoist Imm
SHIT DID YOU MOVE?!
<scurrys out>
Damnit, I left my stuff in there. Oh no. I was not prepared for him to actually activate. Let’s crack this door back open slow…. Ok, he’s maybe the slowest moving person that has ever moved. He’s harmless… remember? In this totally real, totally made up, real made up story, he’s immortal and he’s going to… save us… so we gotta be cool.
Hi… Uh. I see you’re trying… Oh, you are literally going to eat this food. I’m going to sit back down, that ok with you? You’re almost there, you got it. Did you choose the apple first because I put it on your hand or did you think that would be better? Man you are slow.
Let’s be patient.
You’re staring. You’re staring. I said it first. You are a child.
Patience.
Yeaaa. That’s called Apple. I can’t imagine that’s helpful. You would have to know what that’s and called means to understand that apple was the thing you’re holding. You would have to have an understanding of the language. I, you probably do understand. Apple. Yes. I see that you like it, they’re quite nice. You see, we’ve been aggressively modifying them for decades to make them unnaturally delicious and sweet. That’s the prize apple of the moment. Honeycrisp. Yum. ‘Nother piece?
Ok, be real. If he starts talking, almost certainly I won’t understand anything. It’s gonna either be God mode four dimensional audio landscape or like… ancient talk. Ancient talk? Yea, I was gonna guess Aramaic or something, but maybe Latin? Wouldn’t Taoism suggest more likely some Asian dialect? Clearly not my field of expertise, OK! Let’s see. Remember that podcast dude that studied language in primitive cultures, he talked about building language bridges over simple things starting with counting 1 thing, 2 things. Red Fish, Blue Fish. Separate the number and the noun. Now you can build in two directions of understanding. That sounds painful. Maybe this guy will be more helpful than the uncontacted tribes.
This is trail mix, it’s good right?? Yea, I love this stuff. I’m sure you’re hip to the niche DIY trail mix game, so I don’t need to tell you this but I’m going to anyway purely out of love for the game. I think of trail mix as nuts, berries and a treat. I’m easily contented. However, you get into some bougey trail mix you get yourself some different kinds of nuts, specialty breakfast cereals, complimentary dried berries, you know cranberries and cherries telling you ooo boy you look good in those new shortie hiking shorts. Get it, complimentary. Forget it. Yea, you are crushing this trail mix, here have more.
Hey.
HEY? Did you.
Yea. Hey.
Ok what you just speak English?
I guess. Look
I guess? What does that even mean, how could you understand that you do, but be suspicious of it.
Look. I’ve been. Through this. Before.
Ok. Yea, bro. Same.
*sigh
Let’s compare notes. I’ve got, one note. It’s actually, not a full note, more of a question drunk on fear. It says WTAF. It’s double underlined. Is that helpful.
It takes. Time. To regain. Energy.
What is this a riddle. It’s like, a super shitty riddle, dude.
Last time. I eat. *sigh Long. Ago
Oh, I see. You haven’t eaten in, like, for.ev.er and you just did, and you are getting energy from food and I’m like super in your face with my youthful well fed scared out of my damn mind energy and you are like moody immortal *DEEP SIGH* last time I ate Rome was the center of the universe.
Right. Actually, almost exactly.
What.
It’s. You aren’t going to like what I have to tell you.
That’s been nearly guaranteed since I saw this cursed rock hut cabin witch hostel thing.
Here it is. I am immortal. I don’t really know why. I just, have never been able to die. I have phases where I’m active in the environment and my surroundings, then sometimes I go somewhere to be on my own for a while and I seem to end up simply not eating. Well. I don’t die. I just sit there at fractional capacity until food manifests and I sort of wake up and look around and see if I want to participate or not.
And you speak English.
I somehow am able to speak cohesively with the people I encounter. I cannot communicate with animals.
You just. Get so bored of existence, that. How.
I’m not special. I’m not very smart. I’m not real good at manipulating the environment or people. So, I just. Sit.
Do you think you’re going to participate this time? I could give you some more food, help you down the hill and get you involved, like, in life. It sounds insane now that I’m saying it out loud, but, yea, whatever. Let’s take over the world my weird immortal friend.
I’m. Nope. I’m good.
But
I said no.
And, you sound pretty convicted.
Oh.
Oh.
Ok. Well. I’m going to go participate.
Let’s grab the last of these snacks, ok. Pack, check. Let’s go
I hope you make the most of your life.
*sigh* goodbye.
What in the actual hell just happened.